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Wednesday, December 17th, 2003

Subject:dont pretend you dont care, because you cry when you say goodbye
Time:1:50 pm.
Mood: artistic.
i thought it might be a bit odd to end my journal on that last entry, leaves you to wonder... OMG. did she kill herself. ha. no. you wish.

i moved, after three years of this journal, i thought it was time for a fresh start, to put all of this behind me. so, i have a new journal, its hidemysuicide which yeah, that does kinda advertise my problems, but i didnt make the name up, i just took it.

but anyways. goodbye
BeeZer
lets get it on

Sunday, December 14th, 2003

Subject:why me?
Time:12:40 pm.
Mood: drained.
i fucking hate everything. as far as im concerned everyone can fuck themselves. i hate it how a simple song can make me fucking burst into tears like some fucking sack of hormones. it sucks! i hate it i hate it. im sorry... am i not allowed to fucking advertise my anger and frustration too?

why do i have to dwell on things? why cant i get over it? why does my fucking heart need to get fucking ripped out and trampled on EVER SINGLE GODDAMN FUCKING DAY!?!?!? can someone answer that for me? please. can someone just tell me the secret to being happy that it would seem everyone -EXCEPT FOR FUCKING ME OF COURSE- has? because i am so sick of crying myself to sleep, and randomly having to run to the bathroom during english class, or not knowing if i can listen to a simple fucking song, without bursting into tears. anyone? can anyone just fucking make me happy?

i WAS happy. i was fucking estatic. and everyone had to join efforts to

FUCK THAT UP!

god damnit. i hate everysingle one of you. you can all rot.

BeeZer
7 one night stands| lets get it on

Friday, December 12th, 2003

Subject:the list
Time:7:57 pm.
Mood: awake.
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forget anything? any hints for a good trip? please post. thank you again!!!
7 one night stands| lets get it on

Subject:ROAD TRIP!!!!
Time:7:33 pm.
Mood: excited.
soooo mike smith called and we were watching fab life of rich people and so we get this idea to go on a road trip to CA this summer(with other peoples). HELLZ YEA!!! we started a packing list which i will probably post later (and i'll need help from people telling me what i missed) but yeah i just pitched it to my mom and she was like. sure and i was like. really? and she was like. no. and i was like oof. i set myself up for that one. :( but i am going. even if i run away to go im going. it'll be just like crossroads (*denies watching that horrible horrible movie* teeheehee) but anyways. yeah. im excited. i need to get a job like a mother fucker and start saving my money for it though. plus car insurance. :( bummer. im gonna have like no money. unless i get like two jobs (which i may end up doing) you have no idea how bad i wanna go on this trip. plus i can do some fundraising stuff. ok. so. yeah. im excited. :) eeee!
lets get it on

Subject:you say you dont like to see me hurt... so do you close your eyes when you hurt me?
Time:12:16 pm.
Mood: cold.
i was going to sit out of gym class today but i didnt. i didnt want another zero, so i played pickle ball, jessica and i have this cool plan for the last class, which requires me to look up braveheart quotes. we started watching gladiator today in latin class which was sweet. i asked rory some stuff about the movie because i didnt get it. but then everything kinda fell into place. i like watching it now because before i didnt get it, and like. i dunno. i just like it. its really graphic though. ick

and now im a lot more sick, i have a pounding headache, and my stomach is killing me. :(
this weekend should prove to be quite boring in the extreme. although it should snow on sunday into monday. (possible snow day?) im at weather.com now checking it out.

ok this is a weather warning thing
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aaaaand the ten day forecast says:
sunday snow showers and then monday is rain.
:( quelle domage

im listening to on my own again i love that song.

so now my "must see play list" is up to three
Phantom of the Opera
Les Mis
oh shit. whats the third one????
oh well. my must see list is up to two :)

hum.... yeah. my head hurts. *puts head on desk*

my neck hurts too. gah. i cant type today. im making a lot of novice mistakes.

i was wrong i dont wanna be sick i feel soooo gross. go away then come baCK SUNDAY NIGHT. oops caps. ok. bb

BeeZer
1 one night stand| lets get it on

Subject: boom boom boom boom i want you in my room!!!!
Time:8:49 am.
Mood: sick.
hmmmm so yeah.
im still working on jennys song. i have the parts for the and she/he screams and the im breathing. so... shes pretty much giving me free reign over this song. so yay. ummmm... yeah

lol. i am sooooooo bored. this is like. horrible... i wonder what they're doing in peer couselers, going over the surveys that only I HANDED OUT!!!

i think theena and mike got me sick this mornign. its ok though because i wanna vacation. *sighs* i dont feel to well though. oh well. i think this may be a short entry because i dont really have that much to write. *sighs* i really dont feel well.
BeeZer
lets get it on

Thursday, December 11th, 2003

Subject:thou saith the lord
Time:9:13 pm.
Mood: exhausted.
no, im sorry. here at we are nuts. we...only have... nuts.

i... see.... well what about the bottled water

dont let that fool you. its chock full of nuts.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

yeah. so... i really wanna knit right now. and probably will after i type this. im really kinda really happy, had a good length conversation with greg then had a chat with him and his friend. lol. it was so incredibly random and funny. good times. good times. ^_^

it really sucks though. because im finding, greg is like. so. nice and everything. oh heres the catch. he lives an hour away. (god must be laughing his ass off at this one.) *sighs*


ive been finding that my mood lately has been so easily affected by the music im listning to. i felt all sad when listning to perfect, and was all hyper/happy/jumpy when listning to good charlotte.

soo..... i dunno... oh well. yeah i found my old old usher mix. "you make me wanna" haha. i thought it was sooo funny. i was just grooving in my chair.

i really wanna make a music video. i have all these thoughts running wild in my head about them.
gah
5 one night stands| lets get it on

Subject:and dont i deserve the best?
Time:7:14 pm.
Mood: tired.
im listning to beauty and the beast. yes. i know im a dork. you dont need to rub it in. livejournal made they event box so much bigger, and this makes me sad because it makes it feel like i havnt written that much. :( oh well. yeah. i finally finished my english paper. its under the cut code if you wish to read it.
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whoot yes. poems. are sooooo great.

today dan umm.... reemsnyder, yeah. him. (popular guy. usually i dont really like him that much but he can be nice) so i was knitting last period and he came up to me (passing across the senior area) and stopped and was like. is that a scarf( i had to take the earphones out of my ears and had him repeat the question) so he did and i was like. yep. so then he asks, you know how to do that? and i itched to be all sarcastic and say... why no. i dont know how to knit. ive just been wiggling these sticks here and the scarf made itself. but i didnt. i was all nice and like. yep and he was like. cool. and walked off. i paused, then laughed put my earphones in and returned to my knitting. until i saw gonzalo. i waved him over to me and told him about the peer couseling thing tomorrow and he said ok
then he asked me about my scarf and told me he thought it was cool. and that he used to knit. lol

gonzalo is so nice now. its hard to think that he was once the person who called me such vicious names and such, but oh well. thats in the past.
i guess im gone.
later
2 one night stands| lets get it on

Subject:urgedness
Time:11:27 am.
Mood: busy.
oooook. so first i over slept this morning and forgot a coat in my haste to get to the bottom of my driveway. i got to school and found mike smith brought me in cookies. since i had told him last night how good cookies sounded.

so i sat around and aj came in. and i asked him why he had been avoiding me. he replied that he hadnt, we hugged, then i told him about how i had to walk to the Rx, and how i didnt even have a coat or anything. he asked me if i wanted to borrow his and i said yeah sure. we got to his locker and he said that he had a sweatshirt if i wanted that instead. i said sure and then went to homeroom.

i wrote a new quote on the board its Me fail english? That's unpossible from ralph from the simpsons. ^_^ haha. ok. then i had chorus. we had a free period so i called in my perscription and i saw thadd in his science class and i asked/mouthed to him if he was working. and he said no. DAMN i really wanted to buy scratch and wins. :( oh well. sooooo.... then we went back to chorus (me fia and mike) and i knitted a bit on my scarf.

then i had creative writing. we didnt go to the library and i knocked off my english then started writing an optional paper on a past christmas. i've already written two pages. and i've just gotten to x-mas morning. *whew* then i had english, which all we really did was go over the reading quiz. kari and liz were in the hallway and were making funny faces at me making me laugh. then i went out, cameron came out a little while later and went to get a drink. i snuck up behind the corner and scared him when he came around. then we hugged and i asked him if he would drive me home tomorrow. he sighed and walked away. lol it was funny.

then i had latin, which was funny. me and rory kept joking at ms estabrooks and everyone was in a good mood. then/now i have photography. my cramps are starting to hurt but i just took two midol on the sly. ^_^ hehe. and then last period me and liz are gonna sit around and talk while i knit. YAY, should be fun.

i think despite drivers ed today and walking in the rain today is going to be a good day.

later
BeeZer
lets get it on

Wednesday, December 10th, 2003

Subject:you've played the day away and soon it will be night.
Time:12:30 pm.
Mood: cheerful.
so yeah. i talked to liz during phys ed and i feel so much better. it helps to know that i have someone in my corner to give me unconditional support. (i know i have julie and rachel too) but yeah. so today was pickle ball, which was fun except when we had to trade opponents and jess and i had to play against this snobby bitch who was steadfast in the rules. now, rules are all fine and dandy except that i like playing picnic style. pretty much anything goes.

*shrugs* oh well. aim is still being a bitch not letting me sign on. its almost 12.34.56 so i have to make a wish.

*wishes* aiight. yay.
i took a quiz for "what color i am" and it said i was green and green is the epitome of calm. and i was like.... um i am usually anything but. so..... whatever...? lol. i watched the simpsons last night as always and i laughed soooo hard. my dad was watching it with me. im soooo happy because we've been getting along so well. i really like it when he and i get along.

my cramps are gone. yay. and my headache is very minimal.

mr chandler came in before and said that thaT woman psychologist came in today *whoops* and since i really didnt wanna go i told him that. so hes like. well what do you want me to tell her. (meaning about future visits) but i thought he meant about not meeting her today so i was like "tell her im writing a paper" and he was like. noooo... about meeting next i mustve turned sooo red. i started laughing and was like. ummm. tell her that i decided i didnt want to continue. i think im pretty ok w/o counseling.

speaking of which, katie signed up for peer counseling with me. yay.

i heard/made up a quote today. you'll reach out for any kind of comfort, when you're desperate

i wrote another one but oh well. i'll just tell it to the person later tonight or something. cameron cant drive me home today. it makes me sad. :(

my gums around my molars are starting to get really sore and theres this red line around it. i really need to make that ortho appt today. :( i need to get my rubber bands for my teeth. urg. i hear they hurt. :( oh well.

there are to many sad faces :) thats better. ok. im gone. i have a test next period. YAY!!!!
lol
ciao
BeeZer
lets get it on

Subject:the city goes to bed and i can live inside my head
Time:8:45 am.
Mood: lethargic.
ok everyone put vaginal cleansing film for intrests so jenny and i arnt the only ones ^_^


and i guess now im emo? right katie??

*sighs* i just love it when people call me names which i am obviously not and yell at me for things they know absolutly NOTHING about, except for possibly a lifetime movie.

but oh well, other than that things are cool. i intercepted the progress reports, im getting like a 25 in english 12, but as soon as i make up some papers i'll be fine. ^_^

soooooo.... yeah. talked to liz this morning. had a good chat.

i wrote another quote on the board today, its
in the rain, the pavement shines like silver, all the lights are misty in the river, in the darkness the trees are full of starlight
from les mis.

i love him, but everyday im learning, all my life, ive only been pretending, without me his world will go on turning a world thats full of happiness that i have never known. i love him. i love him.

i love him. but only on my own.

sooooo, yeah. today i have killer cramps and a baaad headache.

i think im gone. later.
BeeZer
2 one night stands| lets get it on

Tuesday, December 9th, 2003

Subject:just for you
Time:6:58 pm.
Mood: cynical.
edited for people who dont know me, therefore judge me
lets get it on

Time:9:14 am.
Mood: bouncy.
of course i may need to be more careful of what i write in here. i gave greg the link yesterday so im not sure if he reads this now. so i cant go all nuts like

omg i think he is sooooo hot!!!!!

tee hee hee. so yeah, im all happy cuz yesterday greg said he liked my poem. ^_^ a lot of people are saying that but it seems kinda weird for me. like the child that everyone thinks is adorable but the parent. (ok. wow. not like that at all. i love my poem.)
but anyways. i think im getting a headache. i soooooo didnt wanna get out of bed this morning and for some reason i have lost all my pants.... like. i have two pairs of jeans and my raver pants.

oh god. i felt soooo disgusting yesterday, i was weARing a rugby shirt and khakis. (total prep outfit) i quickly took that off, put on some boxers and danced around my room for a little while. but class is almost over. ciao
BeeZer
2 one night stands| lets get it on

Time:7:39 am.
Mood: crazy.
new user pic. i have to give props to theatresphynx. probably spelled wrong. sorry.
lets get it on

Monday, December 8th, 2003

Time:9:26 pm.
Mood: content.
i, elizabeth, have applied to college!!! yAY!!
BeeZer
4 one night stands| lets get it on

Subject:survey
Time:12:35 pm.
Mood: crazy.
from jennys journal
FILL IT OUT PLEASE!!!!

Bee is ________.
Bee thinks a lot about _______.
when i think of Bee, i think of ________.
i want Bee to ________ me.
if i were alone in a room with Bee , i would _______.
i think Bee should _____.
Bee needs ______.
i want to ____________ Bee.
if i could describe Bee in a word: _______.
Bee will never ________.
Bee is always _______.
someday Bee will ________.
Bee reminds me of _______.
Bee can be __________.
worst thing about Bee is _________.
best thing about Bee is _________.
i am ________ with Bee.


1. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.

2. Am I lovable?

3. How long have you known me?

4. When and how did we first meet?

5. What was your first impression?

6. Do you still think that way about me now?

7. What do you think my weakness is?

8. Do you think I'll get married?

9. What makes me happy?

10. What makes me sad?

11. What reminds you of me?

12. If you could give me anything what would it be?

13. How well do you know me?

14. When's the last time you saw me?

15. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?

16. Do you think I could kill someone?

17. Describe me in one word.

18. Do you think our friendship is getting stronger/weaker/or staying the same?

19. Do you feel that you could talk to me about anything and I would listen?

20. Are you going to put this on your livejournal and see what I say about you?
5 one night stands| lets get it on

Subject:my poems
Time:12:20 pm.
Mood: artistic.
remember how i wanted remind me to breathe in a poem, well today i wrote three poems (which im going to turn into one poem called over time)

so here it is.
Over Time

My heart stops
as my eyes follow your hand
reaching out towards me
In the moonlight i see you
we're shaking
both as scared as the other
fingers clasped, lips joined
our bodies move with ease
i have but one request
remind me, to breathe

Timidly i hold out my heart
you sneer as you grab it
i watch as you rip, shred, tear it
you leave as all the peices fall apart
i fall to my knees crying
as i pick up my broken heart
theres nothing i can say
i put the pieces together
to give to you another day.

It rains on my heart
salty drops that burn
i feel so torn apart
for the one that which i yearn
teach me to live without you?
i can only try
until then i'll think about you
trying not to cry.

so yeah. there it is.

hmmmm, i did the peer couseling thing today. it wasnt that bad, a whole buncha my 10th grade friends were in there so i felt less nervous. so yay.

BeeZer
3 one night stands| lets get it on

Subject:im lost in a dream
Time:8:46 am.
Mood: content.
When You say you love me
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ARG im a scary pirate!!!! GRRRR!!! hehe. im in a playful mood. im so bored. and tired, i stayed up until like 11, washing my jeans, then i stuck them in the dryer. then went to blissful bed. i woke up really early at like 5.20-ish, and was going to drag myself outta bed but then i realized i had a whole HOUR!!! so yay!

today i need to go to the health class for peer counselers, *rolls eyes* should be fun. but yay, i go period f not e so i can sing, and depending on what happenes and if i get batteries and a tape, then i can record myself singign. so yay!

sooooooo... yeah. LOLHS screwed the pooch today with no delays and no cancellations. we're getting some rain later this week but nothing else. i wish there was a horrible thunderstorm. i think we're due. dont you think????

yesterday there was this show and it focused on a girl cutting herself. the problem was almost resolved neatly in 30 mins. gotta love great canadian programming. hehe. but yeah. im smiling right now. because im thinking of something. obviously.

ok people. the first lesson in reaching puberty is to shower!!! and wear deoderant!!! there are soooo many seniors who smell soooo bad. its disgusting.

oh well i gotta do homework. i know. strange concept right?
hahahaha
BeeZer
lets get it on

Sunday, December 7th, 2003

Subject:remind me to breathe
Time:8:27 pm.
Mood: cheerful.
wow. i finally finished cleaning my room. i vacummed and everything. although now my bed and my couch is in the middle of the room because im rearranging everything. so yeah. this house is sooooo cold. my heats up to ... well its in this thing called the comfort zone.

ive had the saying remind me to breathe stuck in my head. i want that to be a line in a poem that i will write.

i dont quite remember why i didnt like kim before. talking to her now is fun. she has a lot of good ideas about how to talk to members of the opp. sex

i was thinking maybe a good thing for the wise project could be a modeling thing. i may even get into a runway thing, because my cousin has this bridal show thing. soo.... maybe.

i really need to start thinking about this. because the second semester is quickly approaching.

greyhound dont float on water. lol (im watching the outkast video) why are the backup vocals dressed as jockeys though?? anyone?

yeah. so im very pleased with things that have been happning of late. and that will be happnin in the future.

oh HAVE I MENTIONED HOW MUCH I HATE JOHN mAYER??? urg. he needs to like. go away. get off my tv. *shudders*

ok. well under the cut code are just some random quotes that i like. ciao peoples
BeeZer
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1 one night stand| lets get it on

Time:1:37 pm.
Mood: crazy.
one, jenny, dont you dare get mad at me. the only person you told not to tell was heather and i didnt. plus you said you wanted to tell tom to, so where the fuck do you get off getting mad at me about it!?!?!

so i just figure, im not going to help anyone at all. unless i deem the cause worthy. so yeah. if you need help, its in my nature, but if theres a chance that people will get pissed off with me trying to help, then fuck it.

im sick of being the brunt of peoples jokes, and caught in the middle of everyones arguments then getting yelled at (one of my least favorite things) because i told someone what i knew. so whatever.

my grandparents are here. call the cell if you wanna do something or talk.
later
BeeZer
lets get it on

LiveJournal for BeeZer.

View:User Info.
View:Friends.
View:Calendar.
View:Website (DROP FACTOR!!!).
View:Memories.
You're looking at the latest 20 entries. Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 20 entries.